Empty
I woke up one morning, alone; a toddler of 7 in a large, empty room. And the emptiness of said room was not because its lack of furniture, or lack of toys and other various objects. No, it was empty because I was alone, the only human being in the square space of a two-mat room. In my sleep, I had rolled onto the matress next to mine, as I usually did but that morning, there was no other warm body in whose's arms to wake up. No small figure, no small fist tightly gripping my yukata, not even a breath to warm my cheeks.
Automatically, I opened my mind, searching for the other presence. The other me, or myself being the other, whichever the case. Although my mind had registered the loss the evening before, it had not grasped it yet; it did then. A mind empty, a mind void of the other comforting presence; robbed of my half, of the companion of my childhood days and nights. The presence, which had forever been there and which I had thought would be close to me until the end of time had left. I was a child and my only friend, my only sister, my only twin, had gone and at that age, there was no doubt it was forever.
I ran to my mother's rooms in tears, crashing into the knees and legs of so many people on my way I thought I would never get there. The door, thankfully, was open and I stumbled inside, calling to the only other person I could but the rooms were empty. With tears spilling down my cheeks and anger welling up in my chest at this second denial, I ran out of the room, this time, with no real purpose. I called and called for my twin and for my mother and suddenly, it felt like only men's voices would answer. People were coming out of various parts of the house, some of them knowingly, mostly, curious at this sudden fit thrown by an usually happy child. How I hated them - them and their macabre indifference. So I ran.
I searched for what felt to me like hours until, too exhausted, I fell in a corner and curled up in a small ball, resisting the urge to suck on my thumb. Regardless of my anguish, I was still too proud to go back to such habits. Slowly, I fell asleep with the tears still falling, their salty taste tickling my drowsy senses. In my mind, there was nothing left.
I woke up in a circle of warmth, locked in the embrace of two large arms and craddled by the steady and soft pace of a tall frame. The tears had been wiped from my face and I felt safer then than I had ever had in the last few days.
"Awake, are you?"
It was the voice of my uncle Cho, deep and rich and as usual, surprisingly soft for such a tall person.
I looked up at him, feeling empty and only desiring for him to not put me down - which he didn't, ultimately.
"Your mother is very worried about you, Ryu," he said and I blushed faintly under the guilt. "We were all wondering where you had gone."
" m'sorry." I managed to mumble, burrying my face into his chest, feeling burning tears prickling the corner of my eyes.
"Nobody's angry at you Ryu," my uncle said and I heard the care in his voice. My heart felt like a sponge, greedily absorbing this affection. "I think after what you went through yesterday, you're entitled to feel like this."
More than the words, it was the tone in which my uncle always spoke to me that made me cherish his words. As far as I can remember, he never took on the annoying child's tone most adults took with Ue children. Partly because of that, I gave him all the respect my young, 7-year old mind could.
"She's really gone, isn't she, Uncle?" I asked faintly, feeling that him, at least, would give me the proper answer.
There was a pause but my uncle Cho kept walking, long strides making for a smooth, easy pace. I secretly hopped I would be this tall when I grew older.
"Yes Ryu, Fai is gone."
It was dry, it was simple and it was straight to the point - it was all that I needed to hear. This time, I did not hold back the tears. I felt I was entitled to cry, there, safe in my uncle's arms where I knew he wouldn't judge me. He had said I was allowed to feel bad anyway.
And how bad it felt. The feeling was just the same as in the morning and yet, it was so much worse. The nail had been driven home, the last base of the tower had been removed, the whole edifice was crashing down, loudly accompanied by my cries. I was certain then, so convinced I was alone, that Fai had left me for another family, that she had been seduced, taken by this relative, Zhou, and that he would certainly use her, turn her into one of his bloodstained warriors, an assassin, a tool.
"Why did she leave?" I sniffled, trying so hard to make a sense of what I thought, what I felt.
My uncle did not answer at first. Thinking back, I believe he was weighing his words carefully because he had known then that I was in a precarious state of mind.
"Fai made a choice Ryu," he started, talking very slowly and looking straight ahead. "She is young to make it but it is still hers to do."
"But, why did she leave me?"
The tears were menacingly coming back.
My uncle lowered his gaze and shifted me in his arms so that I would sit on his arm instead of being craddled in them. I snuck my arms around his neck.
"I don't believe your sister left you Ryu. Fai will always be with you, didn't you say so yourself?"
At this, I buried my face in my uncle's neck and cried softly.
"But - but I can't feel her anymore." I cried miserably, heartbroken. "She's really gone!"
The answer came quickly, and sharply. It lighted a hope in my heart that still warms me to this day.
"Then learn to listen properly." Uncle Cho said. "Fai is your twin," he added gravely, his eyes locked with mine. "You two share a bond that nothing can ever break, not even each other. It is not only in your head, it's in your heart. She will always be with you Ryu. You just need to learn to feel it in a different way."
In a different way...
These thoughts kept me musing as my uncle brought me back to my mother's rooms. I fell asleep long before we actually crossed the threshold of the chamber but at least, the idea of this bond in my heart helped to fill the void that would slowly become the reality of my existence without my twin; Fai. I was 7 years old.
Ryu Ue
Just as things fall apart, they build up somewere else.
Musique: Peaceful Orchestra
