FAQ - About

Following much reflexion time because of school work and lack of juice from my long-dead CD player batteries, I found that I was a perpetual social bug, without the clingy side to it. Here's what I mean. I don't pretend to be social or people-seeking or easily approachable. I do, on the other hand, feel that I know how to act proper and civil when in public or with people I have just met. Of course, in maybe 90% of cases, this is a facade, required by ''correctness" that I put up. Now, don't get me wrong, I certainly don't mean that this is something that I myself do. It is a trait of society in general, I believe; it follows how children are taught to be polite in the face of strangers and the like.

So, how does that make me a social bug? Here's my point. Living in close quarters with friends and enjoying their company, talk and feelings tends to make me bend one way or the other. On a superficial level (and on some deeper things too) I have upheld a long resolution of being true to my own beliefs and to refrain from having my opinion playing ping-pong between one side and the other. This has recently led me in an akward but not entirely unpleasant situation within the circle of my friends but that's not the point here. So, again, where does being easily pushed one way or the other come in this context? Like I've just said, I've recently moved from home to a new place I can call my own. I'm close to being done with school and the horrific prospect of going out into the world utterly terrifies me. My best friend talks of long-term realtionships, buying a house, having kids, all these things which I suppose are granted, come to a certain point in your life, but that render me completely lost and desolate. Many of my friends enjoy happy relationships which seem to want to go on for quite some time. They discover the meaning of love and look forward to their future.

For me, the future was always about tomorrow, or better, about another time, in many many years and that I'd deal with it when I got there. Well, time's up, future's kicking me in the shins right now and all I want to do is cower down under a table and hope it goes away. Maybe if I ignore it, it'll simply fade away; that's what I surprise myself more and more thinking. My mother badgers me with questions that go along the lines of: "What'll you do once you're done with school? Have you started looking yet?" The answer is I don't know and no. Why? Because I'm terrified. Because I don't want to face this change.

Which brings me to the point of change. I. Don't. Want. It. Unless it comes seamlessly, in perfect natural order and prepared at quite an extensive lenght, I can't bare to face it. My mother told me the worse kinds of changes you can face in life are divorce, loosing/changing jobs, death of a spouse/child and moving. In one year, I've had moving and changing jobs, added to my parents' divorce, many years ago. Sick joke. But anyway, I'm not about to cry over spilled milk, the past is the past now and I admit, although I've been under quite some stress in recent months, I've never questioned the why and the what of it because I had made all these choices myself. So of course, it all comes down to what I'll choose. Which brings me back to my utter fear of change. If I can, I will always choose not to.

So, back to my starting point, by what am I influenced right now? And why? Social pressure plays a big role in my psyche and people that I look up to tend to leave a big impression on me, whether that's a good thing or not. So, now, the hot topic of the hour is the future and the establishment of a ranged life, two kids, a dog and a house, you get the picture... This is about all I'm hearing about in recent days. Not because it's the only subject of conversation but moreso because that's what hits me the most and in some cases, hurts me the most. Remember what I said about the future and change and also, about what I said about social projection, what is proper?

I will not lie in saying that I've had rotten luck (and if not luck then foresight) in past relationships. Many aborted experiences have left me bitter and angry about this whole concept of love. Also, although you would have asked me this two years ago it would never have crossed my mind, I'm starting to feel that the problem isn't with you gents but with me. What is love? Because, as many soapy novels I read, as many scientific, psychological, esoteric, you-name-it giberrish I get my hands on (be they on paper, on film, from people or other) I've never, and I'm truly sorry about what I'll say right now because I know some of you out there will be offended or maybe wounded by this, I've never really known what is this man/woman or heck, woman/woman love poets so glorify. Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, I might as well go on digging my own hole. So, faced with the reality of people happily enjoying their love lives and growing and being fullfilled and whatnot, I'm also faced with my pathetic failure at life and the question comes to mind: "Where to I fit in, in all this? When will my turn come?" Because, you may say to me that things will come in time and that I'm simply not ready for all of this, but I'd like very much to enjoy certain things in life before I turn 40! I'm a 23 year-old virgin, alive and kickin' in a 21st century north-amercian culture. Technically, I'm an aberration. Had I lived 500 years before, I would have already been married, with at least 2 kids, probably less teeth and already with a social stature in life (however high or low it may have been). Either that or I would've become a nun... and seeing my utter lack of religious belief, I don't even know how I would've coped with that.

So, I know it's no use comparing myself with 1500th century women and it's also a stretch comparing myself to an aberration. I know some of you will certainly cry in outrage because perhaps, you feel that I am being unjust towards the situation or indirectly implying that you too are failures and aberrations. Please don't. This vision is very personnal to me and I am well aware of its flaws and limitations (and its excessiveness). I've weighed the pros and the cons of it all and I've seen the faults in my reasonning. Yet, I need to express it if I want to either deal with it or not. Also, it's been a terrible weight on my chest in recent times and I didn't want to burden other people with it. I don't want them to think I am jealous of them (which by the way, I was, at some point long ago, but that dead and done). I am happy to see them happy but the reality of my own uselessness in this sort of grand scheme sometimes bears down on me more heavily than at other moments.

So forgive me for imposing this quite extensive self-wallowing session on you readers. Please don't take any of this personnally because it is not directed to you. This is not, like my best friend likes to say at the beginning of her own blogs, a letter of insults to you or even a hidden message. It is simply me, in my worse of fears, may they be childish or petty.

Aaridys